Erik Wilson's Party Zone

Awesome Bosses and Master Hand - Lamest Boss Ever (07/26/04)

The point of any game, ultimately, is to make it to the end and defeat "the boss," or more specifically the "main" or "final" boss. In the old school days, the Sega kids would refer to these high-powered enemies as "masters." This naming convention was always another gap between the Nintendo fans and the Sega fans...or as I like to call them, the winners and the losers.

Anyway, making it to and fighting this boss is full of emotion. There is generally fear. You are going up against the hardest and last thing this game is going to throw at you. This single entity is responsible for the war you have been fighting, kidnapping your princess, summoning demons to your cities, or attempting to destory the life stream your planet needs to survive and then throwing meteors at you. So there you are fighting your mortal enemy, sweaty hands, heavy breathing, tense, and ready for action (insert sex joke) and you know that the fate of the world depends on you. This is a rather epic moment. You don't want to fail...you can't fail. (Mainly because you probably don't want to waste the time to make it back to the boss.)

An awesome ending

There is also that sense of antcipation. That final button press that will send Dr. Wily...straight into the next MegaMan sequel...and reward you with an awesome ending. Afterwards there is a final feeling of accomplishment of beating another game, which you can add to your list of conquered challenges. A friend of mine used to keep a journal of sorts full of all the games he had beaten, and it was an immense token of pride. Finally, after playing a game like any of the Final Fantasy's, it's good to get that 65 hour adventure behind you and join humanity again, until you find your next title.

Rampage

Obviously, this boss encounter should be the climax of a game, and leave the player feeling fulfilled and accomplished (again with the sex jokes). Unfortunately, some games are determined to let you down in the end, no matter how good they are. A classic example of this would be the 80's arcade classic, Rampage. It was fun back in the day and still has its' moments even now. But if you do manage to beat this game, which takes over three hours, you get a flashing screen yelling "CONGRATULATIONS" at you, as you proceed to have multiple seizures. And while Rampage had a horrible ending, and no final boss at all, it was a still a cooler boss than Master Hand.

Before getting to Master Hand and why he is so lame, let's remember some of the greatest bosses of all time. Two of which, are also odd body parts.

Mother Brain

The first of the "odd" body parts in this section is Mother Brain, from the classic Metroid series. This gelatinous frontal and rear lobe is attempting to raise an army of life-sucking metroids to rule the universe, and only you, Samus Aran, can stop her. This boss fight is cool for two reasons, each taking place in different games.

In the first NES version, if defeating Mother Brain takes you less than 3 hours you will be witnessing one of the biggest shocks in videogame history. Samus Aran is actually a woman! If you beat the game in under an hour Samus is actually an extremely hot woman in a bikini!! Back in the 80's there were very few videogame heroines and it was just supercool that after playing as this tough as crap space bounty hunter that can roll into a ball and spin in circles really fast you were actually a girl.

The second reason why this boss fight is cool takes place in Super Metroid, which could very well be the best Super Nintendo and 2-D game of all time. This game has you returning to SR-388, the metroid homeworld, and you must once again shut down the Space Pirate's plan. Facing Mother Brain in this sequel is pretty much identical to the previous 8-bit title, and very nostalgic (something gamers seem to love). Little do you know that after breaking the glass case, your fight is far from over. Mother Brain has a few new tricks this time, and a surprise sacrifice from an old friend to save your life, may make you cry. I did atleast.

A final reason why Mother Brain is awesome is this.

Heart

I might as well go head and finish up the weird boss organs, right now. Another classic series, Contra, which has the most screwed up bosses ever, has one of the weirdest boss fights in the form of a giant heart. I still get the same WTF feeling whenever I make it to the end of this game (which I still play rather frequently). Why is this so cool? I'm not exactly sure. Perhaps it's because this is the end of such a great game, or after blowing it up, I will know I should consider myself a true hero. It could be because it has a strong reseblance to the Alien movies. Maybe it's just because it's a giant heart.

I remember getting to this point and thinking "How did a Giant alien heart make it to our planet and almost conquer our world?" I never considered before where the rest of the body might be, which I guess I should now be inside. Good thing the Contra forces didn't decide to send me up against its giant hand or "would be easy to step on you giant foot." Anyway, it rocks.

The Dragonlord

I wonder how many will remember this boss. Right here, is the final form of the Dragonlord from the first Dragon Warrior (or Dragon Quest if you live in Japan). This guy is just badass and doesn't care who knows it.

Like most of these fights, it's not the boss that is cool, as much as the experience of the fight. And making it to and fighting the Dragonlord is something most won't forget. First off making it to him was a big enough challenge, where encountering a red dragon in his castle makes you wonder how the final boss could be any stronger. So you finally arrive at the Dragonlord's chamber amid clutter, debris, and a swamp that has made its way into his crumbling castle, and you actually get to have a dialouge with this fiend. He starts off telling you how cool you are for making it this far and gives you this choice: "I give thee now a chance to share this world and to rule half of it if thou will now stand beside me. What sayest thou? Will the great warrior stand with me?" If you answer "Yes", he'll ask you "Really?" like he's suprised you agreed to his offer. If you answer "Yes" again, you'll understand why Luke was smart for not going over to the dark side, because you get this: "Thy journey is over. Take now a long, long rest. Hahahaha..." and you die. He was screwing with you all along and just kills you without even carrying.

But let's go back to that final confrontation. You'd never actually say "Yes" unless you were bored one summer afternoon in 1992 and wanted to know what would happen. Afterall, you are part of the ancient legend of Alefgard, you have come futher than all who have tried before, you now don Erdrick's Armor, token, and sword! You have slaughtered thousands upons thousands of slimes, you have solved the riddle of the ball of light, you hung out with a a guy who was supposed to be Howard Philips in Rimuldar, you have found the fairy flute at the appropritae square in Kol, you have ran into millions upon millions of walls and heard the most annoying "bump" sound in the world over and over and over. There's no way you'd ever accept the scraps from the Dragonlord's table. Defying him, you answer "No"! He calls you a fool, and the fight begins.

His first form is only a fake, and once this old wizard falls to your blade, and you think you've won you hear this music begin pounding. What could it be you wonder? From a black screen comes forth a giant flashing dragon. You grit your teeth and continue to attack while casting "Healmore" while the Dragonlord fries your armor with his breath. After a long and intense battle, you emerge victorious, setting right what once went wrong, and begin your road back to Tantegel.

You can stop by cities on the way where everyone is calling you the champ you are. There must be some reward for me back at the castle, you are thinking to yourself. Making it back to the entrance of the throne room, you find King Lorik ready to hand over his daughter and kingdom to you, and she wouldn't mind this because she has been in love with you since you saved her from a dragon halfway through the game. But you are now the ultimate badass and taking a line from Conan the Destroyer you decline saying "If I am to rule a country, it must be a land that I myself find." But this happy ending is ruled when Princess Gwaelin keeps pleading to be able to go with you. Go head and say "No" as many times as you want, but she'll just keep demanding, "But I must!" So you'll give in, and she'll be happy, and then you walk off carrying her... In the end it wasn't the Dragonlord that was the final boss, it was a woman. And you loose. The honeymoon is over "Champion of Light" get ready for your wedded "bliss".

(Btw, his first from is on the "Awesome Bosses" banner if you scroll up a ways. It's not the strange polygonal monkey face, Andross.)

The Queen

Yorda is also the key to life for the Queen, so she is not too happy with you running around the castle, moving sun mirrors around, and making an escape. Eventually, the Queen gets her hands on Yorda and appears to have already removed her life by the time you make it back, after being left for dead. This ofcourse doesn't sit too well with you, not because it's a linear game and you have to fight her now, but because you actually get attatched to these characters and are super-pissed that Yorda, your couch companion, is now turned to stone.

The final fight with the Queen is a little bit more personal than some games, and she can leave with you a happy or sad ending, depending on how patient and curious you are.

Sephiroth (Click here for the wallpaper)

The final fight with him was something else. Inbetween busting our Bahumut summons and him doing his 13 minute "Summon Planet Destorying Meteor Attack" it was hard to get a breath in. Any my personal reason for liking him is that he killed Aeris. Good riddance. Man she was annoying.

(I probably should include Kefka here, but since I never finished Final Fantasy 6, I'd be kind of a poseur to do so. Anyway, he's cool, or so I hear.)

Ganon

I'd have to say that Ocarina of Time had the best battle, with Ganon's two forms. Pariculary his second, where you have to fight a huge *ahem* pig-monster as he charges through walls, lighting crashing against the night's sky, zelda lending you her powers, and Navi being a complete annoyance. And then here is a cool run for your life with Zelda as the caslte falls apart under your feet. I'm not even going to mention The Wind Waker, because it's just stupid.

Vlad Tepes or Dracula from the Castlevania Series.

The Mana Beast from Secret of Mana, which was your companion for most of the game.

The Spider Mastermind from Doom.

M. Bison from a bazillion Street Fighters.

The Final from of Lavos from Chrono Trigger, which is his real essence though? The answer may shock you. (There is the world's coolest music playing during this fight.) (Press here for the .mp3)

I guess I should begin with mentioning something about Smash Bros. This title is a fighting game featuring Nintendo mascots including Mario, Samus, Link, Donkey Kong, Bowser, Pikachu, Marth, etc... It requires: very quick reflexes, knowledge of the map you are in, the items in the game, and the strengths, weaknesses, and moves of each character. To win you "smash" your opponent while their damage begins to crank up. The more damage done, and the further your opponent can be thrown or hit, until they are eventually thrown so far off the stage that return is impossible. It's a great game that is relatively easy to pick-up and difficult to master, with beyond good reply value.

Sadness

My first problem with this boss is that it/he/she...well go with he...isn't even a recognized Nintendo character. All of the others are instantly recognizable while Master Hand is virtually unknown. I did manage to find some screenshot of what appears to be the same white gloved freak in an old Kirby Game. I find it very ironic that Master Hand, a horrible boss, comes from a game where the cheapest Smash Bros. character headlines the title. That's right, I'm looking at your Kirby. It would of worked out ok if we would of learned who was controlling the gloves. Maybe boswer, or Ganon, or...the eggplants from Kid Icarus. Anything would of been better than just some random white gloves for the end of this game.

Shameful

My next complaint is the manner in which you have to fight this boss. Really, the entire objective of this game is to stay somewhere near the center of the map so it will be hard to get thrown off. To fight Master Hand, you have to go over to him, where he is floating off the map! Also he is a couple of feet above your negating any chance of standing there and hitting him. This means you are going to have to jump up and at him, off the stage, to do maybe one attack most of the time and whittle his life down. This is not fun, is a cheap challenge, and takes annoyingly long to do. It's also impossible to grab Master Hand, a very useful tactic in this game.

Many of the character in this game are awesome to watch with fluid animation and tons of style, notably Mewtwo and Marth. Master Hand has nothing cool at all really and is especially lacking because he is the final boss. He'll hit you with his finger, or slap you...or grab you. All the things you could do to someone if you were only a hand. Isn't that totally awesome? No, no it's not.

I know I'm not as good as Layman or anything, but I think I can hold my own at times in this game, and few things frustrate me to no end. There's just too many cheap deaths and times I'm thinking I'm not having any fun at all. Unless you get the oppurtunity to play against "Crazy Hand"! What an awesome idea. It's the same thing but only Crazy! Too bad it's not XTREME as well, the only thing that could of made it a cooler.

I'm an idiot.

Crazy Hand does things that you would do if you were only a hand and crazy. It moves maniacally, rolls around on the ground sometimes (which is kind of cool) and is even more annoying than Master Hand. You also have to face these two together, at the same time, with only one life for the next-to-last of the challenges. It's not fun at all.

Watch out Samus!

Suggestions, Comments, Concerns?
Touch me gently.